Have issues with your in-laws? The Nest is setting us straight on what to do with some common in-law sticky situations.

New spouse, new name, new home, and, oh yeah, a new family. Whether they want to smother you with kindness or kick you to the curb, figuring out where your partner’s fam fits in with your life can cause major anxiety. But don’t waste time getting frustrated or fighting with your mate. Here’s how to decipher and deal with five of the trickiest in-law impositions.

1. They Want to Be Friends…Best Friends

Friendship is certainly a compliment, but the expectation of instant bonding can often be too much to handle. Come out from behind the bathroom door and work it out. After all, liking you too much is better than hating you. 

• Make alternative suggestions. If your mother-in-law wants to meet for lunch and you have no desire or time, turn it around and suggest you all do something together (and make your spouse go too). You can’t ignore her, but since it’s your mate’s mom, it’s only fair you have a buffer. 
• Lead with the positive. If your sister-in-law is hoping to spend some time with you or even gab on the phone, be enthusiastic, but let her know time is tight. Say something like: “Sounds great, but I only have 30 minutes. Is that okay?” 
• Don’t burn bridges. Pass things off by saying how busy you are, but really be that busy. Don’t get caught watching a Lifetime movie when you said you were volunteering at a soup kitchen. Remember, someday you might want to be friends.

2. They Hate You

We’re guessing the feeling is mutual. In that case, you muster a grimace that looks like a smile and walk away. You both want the same thing, but if your mate wants you to try harder, or you long to have them like you and nothing can break the ice, try giving it time to melt. 

• Appeal to your in-laws’ emotions. Find ways to remind them how much you love your spouse, but not in a territorial way. Try something like, “He has been so great around the house lately. You guys did a great job teaching him how to clean a kitchen!” 
• If only one of them is giving you the cold shoulder, focus on the others while still making an effort with your frozen in-law. Don’t be too showy, or you might cause jealousy. Getting in good with a sister, brother, or aunt and uncle can show that you’re likeable and have good intentions. 
• Muster up the guts for a friendly conversation to find out what’s really going on. After all, it could be a terrible misunderstanding that just needs to be voiced, or a big issue that needs to be sorted out. If things start to escalate, however, you might opt to put yourselves in the hands of a family counselor, social worker, or religious adviser.

3. They Want to Plan a Vacation — Together

Now that you’re official, you’re invited to the weeklong family gathering. Lucky you! Did they mention it’s in the middle of nowhere? Although you can explain that being newly married, you really need to spend your only vacation time alone, this might lead to hurt feelings and you being blamed. 

• Try going just this one time. Your spouse will be grateful, and chances are you’ll never have to do it again. Then the next time the idea gets passed around, you can safely say, “We had a great vacation, but we need to take our own trip this year.” 
• Lay the ground rules with your mate before setting foot on the plane. If you’re in the same hotel, ask for rooms on different floors. Build in alone time in addition to family time. Even in the best situations (you actually want to go fly-fishing with gramps), you need to create family-free moments to bond as a couple. 
• If you have a baby, think of this as a trip with great (free) babysitters. Your in-laws will be overjoyed to watch the little peanut while you go off for dinner at a trendy restaurant they would never eat at (“Twenty bucks for rigatoni? Bah!”).

4. They Ask for Money

It’s a great feeling to know that you can give back to your family for everything they’ve done for you. But a gift has an entirely different tone than a loan. Whether your sister-in-law asks you to be her lease guarantor or your brother-in-law needs $5,000 for a car down payment, you have to think about yourselves as a new two-person family with financial goals of your own. 

• Weigh the pros and cons. Before your compassion or anger kicks in, sit down with your spouse and discuss every aspect. Are you two the only option? Could it ruin your credit report? Do you need that money for yourselves? 
• Make this a business deal. If you agree to the loan, put everything you and your family member agree to in writing: the amount and the time needed to pay it back. And, if necessary, have a lawyer look it over. Cushion the strictness of your methods with a joke, like “Let’s get this in writing so we don’t end up on Judge Judy!” 
• Don’t fear saying no. You both have to be spouses first, and you no longer need to strive to be the perfect child or sibling, coming to everyone’s rescue. Your money is already responsible for two people; family will just have to understand if it can’t stretch to them as well. Simply explain your circumstances: saving for a house, paying off student loans. Help them understand where you and your partner are coming from.

5. They Pop In

Or they call during sex or show up at your favorite restaurant and ruin your romantic time alone. Basically, they enter your life at really unwelcome and inconvenient times. The degree of intrusion depends on how close you live to your new extended family and how oblivious they are to your need for privacy. 

• Set understandable limits with an explanation (in case they’re oblivious): “I was just getting in the shower. Can you call before ringing our doorbell on a whim?” or “Let’s chat about American Idol over email tomorrow. It’s too late to discuss it after each episode.” The key is to be firm but courteous. Show them you want them involved in your lives but with just a little more breathing room. 
• Plan occasional dinners and visits with the in-laws. But the next time they want to quickly stop by, say something like, “We’re relaxing — just the two of us — right now, but we’ll see you next Saturday.” 
• If they’re truly meddlesome people and don’t understand that you are two married adults, ask your spouse to step up to the plate with something like, “Of course you’re welcome, but with our crazy schedules, it’s important that we get advanced notice when you’re coming over.”